I am not going to complain about being single. But, I am single.

I am not going to bitch and moan about there being no man in my life, because, there is no man in my life.

I’ve come to see this holiday in a much different way than I previously did. I focus on my loved ones – my little girl, my friends, my family.

The symbolism of today is expressing love – to whomever that may be. It’s not about sappy words, fancy restaurants, flowers, strawberries, champagne and sexy time. Okay, I’m lying. If the whole scenario involved Colin Farrell, then, yes….it would be okay with me. Especially the “sexy time.”

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone.

Any day about love is a good day!! ♥

What is pretty? What is ugly?

I am being more specific, really….when it comes down to it; what makes a person attractive or not attractive?

Soul.

We all have our own perceptions, but, so does society. Sometimes I think people fall victim to jumping on a bandwagon or just accepting a norm that isn’t at all how they truly feel.

Case in point: How many of you have had a friend or a boyfriend/girlfriend, who, at one time, was the “center of your universe”. They were beautiful to you, inside and out. But then, something changed. Maybe the veil was lifted from your eyes and you saw them for what they REALLY were, at their core, and all you can see is ugliness now. I’ve had this happen to me with several people. And, you’re standing there, going “What the hell does anyone see in them?! Can’t others see how ugly they are?” Not that I’m really allowed to judge, but everyone does it – especially internally. It always baffles me when egotistical, shallow, mean people are worshipped. It blows my mind.

And it happens all the time. This is also true when it comes to celebrities and those we hold up on a pedestal.

Recently, one of my good friends, who is a make-up artist in Los Angeles, had a run-in with a “celebrity.”

One day at work, this lady came in, being loud, obnoxious and ordering everyone around. According to my friend, she had an “ugly energy” around her. I believe in this, I see it myself sometimes – energy is a very strong indicator of  person’s soul.

Upon getting this vibe, my friend did not want anything to do with her. To her astonishment, people started milling around this lady, wanting pictures and autographs. Turns out she is one of the “Mob Wives.” Guess that makes it okay then?

Really, this is an issue left up to us individually. We have the right to feel what we want, think what we want and be friends with whomever we choose. I am honestly so thankful to be at a point in my life where I choose friends based on their souls rather than their popularity or image.

Besides, who wants to be surrounded by ugly, fake energy? Not this girl! =)

There are happy memories associated with it, and…who doesn’t love happy?!

Ten years ago was 2002. I was 22 years old. I had no child, no ties to anything and I lived my life by the seat of my pants.

This….I miss.

I was pining away for my home, California, after having lived in Idaho for nearly 7 years. I was done. I got my crap together long enough to orchestrate an actual move, find a place to stay and find a job.

Which, knowing me was like climbing Everest. It was hard.

I moved back to my hometown and stayed with my best friend since childhood. We had quite a time. We allowed ourselves to act like we were 13 again, yet now…we could do things legally. We shopped, we ate, we drank, we bar-hopped, we apartment hunted and we got on each other’s nerves. It was nearly perfect.

However, the job market sucked and we soon realized we’d need to marry rich men from faraway countries in order to survive. Which, ironically, I got proposed to during this time by a gorgeous guy from Jordan who had tons of moola. And, what did I do? I did nothing. Haha!

This was also a spectacular time in my life, music wise. I always associate good memories (or, sometimes bad ones) with song. I think most people do this whether they realize it or not. For me, this was the time period that I was obsessed with The Strokes, Butch Walker, Toilet Boys (real band, I swear)…and Kylie. Minogue. *gawd* Her album “Fever” was the soundtrack of my life that year…and it went perfectly with my fast, little black sports car I eventually rode into the ground.

There were countless visits to Hollywood, which, holds a special place in my heart. My best friend and I went down one night for a show that ended up getting cancelled….but instead paid a visit to the newly opened “Hustler” store on Sunset. Of course, video cameras were inside and the local news wanted to interview us on our thoughts….I totally said something…I just don’t remember what it was and I never saw if it was aired or not. Lol…“Hi Mom!”

Another evening, which was actually the most vivid memory I have of that time period, occurred on the Hollywood Freeway, the 101. Driving my little sports car, my best friend beside me, we were laughing, blasting the “Blade” soundtrack (lololol) and speeding towards downtown. We came up over a hill and realized suddenly traffic was STOPPED. I hit the brakes, swerved into the next lane and was able to stop in time. Thank god there wasn’t another car beside me and for months afterwards, I could still see the skidmark from my tire on the freeway. We sat there in stunned silence for about 5 minutes, and I truly felt my life had flashed before my eyes. Talk about an adrenaline rush. I don’t think my best friend found it as funny as I did, by the way.

The worst parts about that time? I got my first major credit card and maxed it out in 2 WEEKS.

And, I did come back to Idaho when the money ran out. But, I went back in 2005. That’s a story for another time… =)

I’m just not crafty.

My mom was working on the year 1991 – and had her calendars saved from that year to help her remember – she claims she has a bad memory.

It started with her giving me a hard time (not really) about the fact that I had cut out a picture on her calendar because I wanted it, which resulted in destroying part of the entries she had made on it – to which my Dad also gave me a hard time. Of course we laughed about it now, seeing that she had a BACKUP calendar for the same year – only this one was more or less a diary of daily events on every day.

It was so detailed, she actually chronicled what we ate, what stores we went to and so on. Pretty impressive.

Upon reading through this diary, I was astonished to see so many memories captured. The kind of things you vaguely remember but not sharply, yet here they were – and with actual dates.

My mom used to watch Beverly Hills 90210 with me every Wednesday. I was still a girl scout and …did some cheerleading. {Don’t laugh. Really, I just got stuck in the back and held someone’s foot up. I was never meant to be a cheerleader.} The night I slept over at my best friends house, we snuck out to the mall to see a movie. My mom knew about it, and wrote about it. Surprisingly, I became an honor student that year too and I did a huge research project on the Barrymore Dynasty (Drew Barrymore’s family). And my brother was in 3 sports and got in trouble at school for “ninja fighting.”

Every one of these events was cataloged.

Of course, the sneaking out I did and the ninja fighting my brother did should have been giant clues of things to come…lol.

I was so inspired mainly because being the mother of a 4 1/2 year old, it’s amazing what you forget. I am lucky that I do enjoy writing and I have captured some events of Berlyn’s – but, not enough. I’ve decided to start chronicling every day, down the most minuet detail. I thoroughly enjoyed reading all those entries and I know someday Berlyn will too.

The evening ended splendidly, as my mom pulled out some pictures from a weekend I did a few girl scout activities. We were at a park and going down slides (we were 11) and several of the pictures showed myself and my friend Elizabeth careening down the slide headfirst, the last one of me crying. I guess we were too big to be on it. For some reason, these pictures were HILARIOUS. Like, I haven’t seen my mom laugh so hard in…forever. It’s cringeworthy to see the clothes I wore, how nerdy I was, etc but I wouldn’t change the past for anything.

A day where life just smacks into you with all it’s might, slamming into your heart, your mind, your being.

I was left feeling….well, TOO much, much more than I had expected to feel.

And now I feel a little dazed. And confused.

It’s strange when you have a “life plan” and you more or less have resigned yourself to it. It may not be exactly what you wanted, but…it will do. For now. I have settled into a comfortable life these days. I have a wonderful job, I have a perfect, genuine group of friends and I have a beautiful, little girl. I don’t ask for much and I don’t expect a lot.

Maybe that was my mistake? Maybe all along I should have been true(r) to myself and wished for more.

After all, we only have one life.

Tonight, I have a heavy heart. It hurts. And, it is causing me to repress tears and anguish, even screaming because that’s all I want to do right now. {That punching bag is sounding mighty nice now…}

All I know is, 2012 has already thrown me for a giant loop and I am both exhilarated and terrified to see what is in store these upcoming months. I have literally gone through the entire range of human emotion multiple times in just the last 2 weeks.

Luckily, I know me. And me is a fighter. A survivor and I don’t back down or rest. Time to finally put myself to the ultimate test: living the life I was meant to live.

Is that strange? No, not for me. *lol*

But, I know I am in a good place when I can still, after everything, be grateful and feel peace. The main reason being that I am surrounded by tons of love and support but, also, faith.

Having seen pretty much EVERY vampire movie EVER made, I feel I am allowed to express these opinions. Well, really I’d express them anyways because I don’t care if people listen to me or not.

And, if there is one thing I truly know? It’s my vampires.

So, the two things one needs to be the best of the best? Believability and….sex appeal. They have to have one or the other.

Hot vampires seem to be all the rage in the last 20 years. I am not the only one who believes in the sex appeal factor…obviously.

These are my Top 5 vamps of all time -

5. Kiefer Sutherland – The Lost Boys

I saw “The Lost Boys” when I was about 8. The only reason I saw it was because it was a “Corey x 2 flick”, you know, Corey Feldman, Corey Haim. There, my secret is out – I was crushing on Corey Feldman at one time (shudder). But something happened – I fell in LOVE with vampires. I was totally riveted. These disgusting, bloody animals that were ripping people apart were well, kinda appealing. Why?! I didn’t know but I couldn’t pull my attention away. That’s where it started.

Kiefer was a different kind of vampire, not Old Hollywood, not suave and mysterious but the BEST kind: the bad boy.

(Can’t forget to mention this is also the first time I laid eyes on Billy Wirth. If you haven’t seen him yet, do yourself a favor… )

4. Antonio Banderas – Interview with the Vampire

Obviously when anyone mentions “Interview with the Vampire” there are two other vampires people think of – Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt.

Are they worthy of mentioning? Of course. They were superb. Are they my favorite? No.

Once I got a glimpse of Antonio as “Armand” I was done. The main rule of being a good vampire is the element of mystery, the dark, sinister appearance and attitude. Antonio had it. And he also had an incredible steaminess I haven’t ever seen in any other vampire. Basically, I wanted to jump through the screen and offer my naked body to him. But then again, we are talking about Antonio Banderas here.

3. Colin Farrell – Fright Night 2010

Ok, so Colin probably shouldn’t be on this list. I put him here strictly as eye candy.

He played a vampire in the remake of a classic 80s horror flick and he really, truly was NOT scary. But god damn, if he isn’t the sexiest and best looking vampire I’ve ever seen! He has a very cool, very calculated thing about him and the fact that he doesn’t come off as a creepy vampire makes him all the more appealing. He reminds me of a snake, very hypnotic and very deadly.

Uh, I’d take a next door neighbor like him anyday, even if he were trying to kill me.

2. Bela Lugosi – Dracula (1931)

Bela ought to be #1. But, there is a reason he isn’t – which I’ll go into in a minute. No one is more the embodiment of the true “Hollywood” vampire other than Bela. Dracula is the grand-daddy of all vampires and no one played him better than Lugosi.

The original vampire tales were of decaying, disgusting, smelly dead things that crawled into people’s home at night and ate them. Obviously, this is not the image Hollywood wanted to perpetuate. So, they came up with Bela.

Aristocratic, quiet, sinister, charming. These are the basic fundamentals of the Dracula myth. And – believe me - it is a myth. The original Dracula (Vlad Dracul) had people decapitated and their heads mounted on spikes.

The first time I saw this “Dracula” I was terrified. He truly had a power – you could not take your eyes off of him. And Bela was a legend, both off and on screen. Hell, one of the greatest songs of all time (“Bela Lugosi’s Dead by Bauhaus) was about his death. No one else can touch him.

1. Gary Oldman – Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)

Gary is the best vampire of all time. Period. This has a lot to do with the fact that he is my favorite actor ever.

I saw Bram Stoker’s Dracula when I was around 12. The movie is hands down one of the best pieces of cinema out there. Francis Ford Coppola directed it, it starred Gary, Winona Ryder, Keanu Reeves, Anthony Hopkins and several other notibles. Apart from the cinematography, the costumes, the soundtrack and the storyline, Gary made the movie.

Never has someone (especially such a diverse actor like Oldman) been able to hit the nail on the head with not one but 3 different versions of Dracula in one film. Gary starts out as the young, handsome prince (pictured below) but then, goes…

to this…

to this…

Seriously amazing. This film is my biggest guilty pleasure and does a lot to reflect true vampire lore and the actual history it was originally based on.

So, there are my five. But there are several worth mentioning – they are gorgeous, they are wonderful actors and they do the title of “vampire” justice.

See below.

Honorable Mentions:

Brad Pitt

Stuart Townsend

David Boreanaz (Angel)

Notice a certain sparkling vampire missing? Yeah, that’s on purpose. He’s sure pretty but he’s not one of the greats.

A few months ago, one of my previous co-workers asked me how my daughter got her name.

For those who don’t know, her name is Berlyn. Like, the town in Germany. The Berlin Wall. And….the 80′s new wave group, Berlin.

Most people don’t realize I actually DID chose her name because of the 80′s new wave group, Berlin.

Music has been my entire life.

(And, another fun fact – my daughter’s middle name is Elise – which I in fact got from a song by my favorite band of all-time, The Cure; “A Letter to Elise”.)

So, once it was revealed that her name was from said band, my co-worker said “What do they sing again?”

I reminded her of the theme to Top Gun, “Take my Breath Away.”

“OH! Yes, great song!! But, uh, was she actually…uh, conceived during it?”

L.O.L.

I just about fell over.

Some people and their dirty minds, haha.

An even more ironic piece of trivia?

Both myself and Berlyn’s dad have musical names as well.

Berlyn’s dad is named Ian and was actually named after Ian Hunter from Jethro Tull.

And me?

My parents were 8 months pregnant with me, had no idea my sex but were big Fleetwood Mac fans. The song “Sara” was released and after I was born, and I was a girl, they named me Sarah.

When I was 9 years old, I remember driving in my mom’s car and the song came on the radio – this is when my mom told me the background story.

I listened to the song for a good 2 or 3 minutes (it’s 4 1/2 minutes long) and I said “I don’t like this song. It’s boring.”

Ahahaha.

Now, of course, it is one of my most favorite songs ever.

I am glad I could carry the tradition on with my daughter. I love that music plays such a huge part in my life and hers too. Besides, having musicians on both sides of the family has done wonders for her.

She might just be the Katy Perry of her day!

“What happened to me?”

It sort of throws me at first but, it also seems crystal clear – I don’t know myself anymore.

It’s more than just “what happened” – it’s, “where did my old luster for life, my spirit, my sparkle go?” I know that hindesight is always 20/20 and we remember the past in different ways, but I can’t help but feel sometimes that after awhile, people just….give up. And I think I did.

We go about our daily lives, doing what we need to do and somewhere along the way, we realize we don’t recognize ourselves anymore.

That, my friends, is my quandry.

Maybe I’m having an identity crisis? A mid-life crisis (haha)? Or, maybe, I’m just tired and need some new motivation in my life.

Soo, let’s make this my “resolution” for 2012.

Find ME again. Or, just make “me” better than ever before.

♥

This morning, think about what’s within you and what you can bring to the greater good. Namaste!