30 Days of Truth: Day Nine

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Hmmm. I am of the thought that if someone isn’t in your life anymore, there was a good reason. I still hold that belief but it doesn’t mean it hurts any less when someone drifts away. Unless, they made your life hell and in that case, sayonara!

I’d be safe to say there are 1 or 2 of my ex boyfriends that I wish things had worked out with. But, it obviously wasn’t in the cards. And I learned a lot from those mistakes. I also learned what I really want in a partner and not to settle for anything less. As far as friends go, I could say the same. You learn what traits in other people mesh with you or don’t. Life is much too short to spend it on or with people that make you unhappy.

I have experienced a few friendships that ended because of drifting, over time. But, with the help of Facebook, I’ve actually re-kindled some of those and it’s been really cool. We remember all the fun we used to have and can be friends now, at this point in our lives.

Moral of the story? Friendships and relationships take WORK, from both sides. If one side isn’t giving as much as they are getting, maybe it’s time to move on.

30 Days of Truth: Day Eight

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. (I skipped Day 7, sue me).

Ok, I am NOT here to sling crap at people or drag their names through the mud. And, I do respect people’s privacy, even if I don’t like them.
So, because of this….I won’t participate in this one, because, well…it could be BAD if I did. For many reasons. Sure, it would be kinda fun and not to say that they don’t deserve it. They do, but I am a karma believer. I’m not a bitch.

I’m just gonna shut my mouth on this one. I’ve learned its a good idea sometimes and this is definitely one of those times! =)

30 Days of Truth: Day Six

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

This is gonna be one of my least favorite posts…I tell ya that right now!
It is VERY VERY morbid, but a common feeling amongst Mothers everywhere, I know.
I hope and pray I never have to bury my own child.

Becoming a mother was the best thing to ever happen to me. And no matter anyone’s circumstances, every Mom would agree with me. You take the good with the bad and the good ALWAYS outweighs the bad. Always.
I wasn’t prepared to be a Mom but it doesn’t mean I didn’t want to or welcome it with every fiber of my being.
Berlyn is my life. Nothing else does or ever will come before her.

Before I had her, I would watch movies or the 6 o’clock news, and hear about children being abducted, molested or…murdered. It turned my stomach, sure. It does for everyone. And I would usually turn the other cheek. Or tell myself, that’s not real. But what I wasn’t prepared for was once I WAS a mother and started to watch these same things. Wow. It made me physically ill. I could feel my heart RIPPING. Over kids I didn’t even know…and it’s because you envision it is YOUR child that this horrible event is happening to.

I have even gone as far as to “imagine” what I would feel like if anything ever happened to Berlyn. See? Morbid. I literally feel like dying. I don’t know HOW people continue on after losing a child. It baffles me. I feel like my only option would be to commit suicide. {Not condoning it, just saying this is how I would feel.}
I personally know one lady who lost her son about 3 years ago from a hit n run accident in Boise. I see her struggle and hurt through it all but she is also so strong and keeps on going. I can’t imagine how she feels because when I start to, I want to vomit. The other story that kills me is Vince Neil’s 4 year old daughter Skylar losing her battle to cancer. Mainly because she is just about Berlyn’s age now and I can’t imagine something more horrific than watching your baby slowly die because of an illness.

Ok, I’m depressed now.

30 Days of Truth: Day Five

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Wow. This one could go so many different directions.
I hope to do MANY things in my lifetime. Be a fantastic mother, explore the World, go on adventures, write a novel, marry a rock star (*snicker*), live each day to the fullest. But, the main one…the one I can’t NOT do one day is to become a social worker. Which, in layman’s terms means, to help others.

My life is meant for something in the sociology/psychology field. I’ve felt it forever. It dates back to my teen years, when I was a runaway. I was conflicted and feeling like an outcast and I had nowhere to turn, no one to talk to. I always envisioned how great it would be for someone to HELP me and lead me through the tough times.
Add to that, all the hurt and injustice I see in the world around me. My empathetic nature is custom built for Social Work. And, it is something that (sadly) will always be needed in our society.

30 days of Truth: Day Four

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

This post could also be extremely long….but, I still would like to keep some things to myself. Ha!
I won’t name names but there is one particular person I need to forgive because it does no good to hold onto grudges, past wrongs. After all, we are all human and we are all works in progress. Mistakes are mandatory!

This person (who I will say is a family member), I need to forgive because they are human and they probably didn’t realize just how much they were hurting me. But, I know I have hurt them too….and others. So, really the scales kind of balance.

There are a few more people I probably should forgive, but…well, I can’t and I don’t. Call me callous or mean, doesn’t matter. They made the choice to hurt me for their own selfish reasons. They need to deal with that. I have.

All in all, I choose to surround myself with good people, genuine people. Otherwise, y0u get hurt. I’ve learned this the hard way.

30 Days of Truth: Day Three

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I’m making this one short and to the point because frankly, this post COULD be like, 10 pages long. I will spare you =)

The thing I have to forgive myself for? Pretty much everything. But to be more specific, it would be forgiving myself for all my mistakes. All of them. I still focus on them, analyze them, wish things were different, etc etc etc. None of that does any good because we HAVE to move on and learn and grow from our mistakes. None of us are lucky enough to own a time machine, sooooo….must just keep on truckin’.

And, that is what I intend to do.

Have a great day everyone! Much love.

30 Days of Truth: Day Two

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Even though I am a GIANT softie, I also have a very strong backbone. When it comes right down to it, sure, I get my feelings hurt but I bounce back. Every. Single. Time.

So, this is why I chose to write today about what I love most about myself:

I am a fighter.

My “fight” is something I never even realized I had until recent years when my sanity and inner strength were put to the test. I have brought a lot of bad luck upon myself, I admit. I’ve made stupid decisions, been impulsive, too trusting or naive and even, selfish. But there has been a whole lot of other stuff that’s happened that is just, well….LIFE.
Either way you spin it, I’ve just had to fight for a lot. Whether it’s been to maintain my identity or integrity, keep friendships, or end them, pay my bills, keep my head (and spirits) up, defend myself against judgmental people, defend myself against all types of abuse or just fight to be a damn good mother to my daughter, I have been tough my entire life because I’ve had to be. The defining moment came for me this past year when I felt I couldn’t go on with life. I felt I had reached my bottom and there was nowhere else to go. But, I pulled myself up by the bootstraps. I don’t know how, I just did. That was my inner fighter coming through.
I love this quality about myself. I pray it never diminishes or changes because frankly, more women need to FIGHT for what they want and need in life.

{*Wouldn’t it be great if EVERYONE could think or write about what they love about themselves? Gosh, what a great gift that would be. We don’t do it enough but I think we should. Just sayin’…}

30 Days of truth: Day One

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Uh, just one thing? Okay…*deep breath*…here goes nothing!

There are several things I really really dislike about myself, and yes, hate. Funny though, some of them I kind of like but others hate. And, a few even make me who I am and without them, I wouldn’t be ME. So, that’s not bad, right? Among them are: my inability to truly grow up, to be a social butterfly and to not get angry so easily. But the one that has brought me the MOST heartache and trouble is:

My tendency to be too sensitive.

Yes, there is such a thing. You know, when you get your feelings hurt all the time, and you feel like one big raw nerve? Or like you have PMS all the fricking time, you cry, you get sad, you feel insecure, you think your friends don’t like you, or you take something someone said really wrong? It can border on being paranoid! I loathe feeling that way but I’ve discovered, that is just how I am. I do have to say, I have had a little bit of success in the past year shrugging off some of those old demons and learning to not CARE as much. But, seriously, it is effing HARD not to care when that is how you are programmed. I have a very empathetic nature. I have cried when a friend is hurting, or watching a show (yeah, I think everyone has actually) or even thinking about all the problems in the world.

Overall, I would love to not be sooooo damn sensitive. I want to feel secure in my relationships and friendships and not have to question things. I kind of wish I could be a total unfeeling, cold-hearted bitch. But who am I kidding? I hate people like that. Some might see my sensitivity as annoying or a weakness but, hey…I have a heart. Which is more than I can say for some people. The other option? I could revert back to my 13 year old “I don’t give a f! what you think” attitude. Life would be simpler…and uh, fun! Let’s all be 13 again! Who’s with me?

Why Not?

I’ll start this tomorrow, but wanted to post this little teaser. Saw this over at one of the blogs I follow and thought I would give it a go! Besides, most people probably know much of this stuff about me already! Good or bad? Not entirely sure.

Here is the agenda!: 30 Days of truth

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Uh, this could be fun….right? 😉