A Little Perspective

It always astounds me how petty and selfish humans can be; myself included. We get so wrapped up in our lives, our problems, our sillyness. Then, something happens to change it all.
My beautiful co-worker, Ashley is currently going through an ordeal, something that would put anyone’s sanity to the test. Her 3 year old little girl has been having non-stop seizures for nearly a week and there seems to be no end in sight. This makes my heart ache so bad. It made me want to hold my own little girl and not let her go.
There really is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, more important than your children and your loved ones. I feel such a shift in my own attitude this morning towards the less than important things in life – which, there are a lot of.
Focus on what matters. That’s the lesson for everyone ♥

 

*UPDATE: Baby girl is doing fine. Thankful for the good people around me who offered prayers!

A change in the air

Sobriety.

I remember watching a documentary I own of Ozzy Osbourne when I was about 11 and three words he said have been engrained in my memory: Sobriety. Fucking. Sucks.

What does this word really mean? What kinds of feelings does it spark in you when you hear it, think it or say it?

I feel terrified. Because it means I’ve failed. It means something has taken over my control of my own life and I am left powerless.

So much of my life has been wrapped up in alcohol. My friendships, social life, even my daily/nightly routines. It’s consumed almost every part of my day. Feel sad? Drink. Feel happy and want to celebrate? Drink. Feel bored? Drink.

In just the last few weeks I’ve started to notice little things. Not anything earth-shattering but, things that caused me to pause and reflect and…consider.
What am I doing? Sure drinking is fun. And totally fine, in moderation. But I often wonder what life would be like WITHOUT it.
Then, all of a sudden, last night it hit me like a thunderbolt. I have never had a clearer thought than this one:

IT’S NOT FUN ANYMORE.

My body hurts; I am tired all of the time. I don’t bounce out of bed in the morning, I don’t feel healthy…at all. I can’t think clearly. I have no motivation towards anything. I’ve lost power over my own life. It’s just not fun anymore.

And beyond that and way more importantly, I have a little girl who needs me in her life. I want to not only be here physically and emotionally for her, I want to be PRESENT. In everything.

As silly as this is, I recently watched Colin Farrell on Ellen (I know, I know..I’m a flipping dork!) BUT, I was really moved by him. His sobriety has lasted for 8 years and some things he said caused me to start thinking…maybe this kind of life change, no matter how scary it is, is the right thing to do.

More than this, I want sobriety. I WANT IT. I crave feeling alive, healthy and clear. I have spent the better part of my life drinking, smoking, doing drugs. I don’t want it anymore. I want to try life out for real. Unaltered. Clean. I want to see how my brain, my body function at full capicity, without anything clouding it. I want to know myself, without anything blocking the “real me.”

This makes me feel excited. But, scared to death.

Already, I am not even 24 hours sober. I am nervous about going home tonight and resisting the urge to pour myself a glass of wine or give in and buy some beer. I’ve tried it in the past and I literally cannot tell myself no. I break, I give in. But, maybe I never truly tried because I never truly WANTED TO TRY. This might just make all the difference.

I worry about how people’s view of me might change. Friends may not think I’m fun anymore. Some may even have to be cut out of my life but, I know those who truly care for me will understand. I am thankful that I will have the support of some but mostly, that I am doing this for me – not for anyone else.

It’s worth a shot, right?

Searching for the words.

Today was one of those days.

A day where life just smacks into you with all it’s might, slamming into your heart, your mind, your being.

I was left feeling….well, TOO much, much more than I had expected to feel.

And now I feel a little dazed. And confused.

It’s strange when you have a “life plan” and you more or less have resigned yourself to it. It may not be exactly what you wanted, but…it will do. For now. I have settled into a comfortable life these days. I have a wonderful job, I have a perfect, genuine group of friends and I have a beautiful, little girl. I don’t ask for much and I don’t expect a lot.

Maybe that was my mistake? Maybe all along I should have been true(r) to myself and wished for more.

After all, we only have one life.

Tonight, I have a heavy heart. It hurts. And, it is causing me to repress tears and anguish, even screaming because that’s all I want to do right now. {That punching bag is sounding mighty nice now…}

All I know is, 2012 has already thrown me for a giant loop and I am both exhilarated and terrified to see what is in store these upcoming months. I have literally gone through the entire range of human emotion multiple times in just the last 2 weeks.

Luckily, I know me. And me is a fighter. A survivor and I don’t back down or rest. Time to finally put myself to the ultimate test: living the life I was meant to live.

Ten Rules for Being Human

by Cherie Carter-Scott

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it’s yours to keep for the entire period.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, “life.”
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately “work.”
4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There’s no part of life that doesn’t contain its lessons. If you’re alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.
6. “There” is no better a place than “here.” When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply obtain another “there” that will again look better than “here.”
7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life’s questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.

November.

November is a big bundle of feelings and emotions for me.

On the one hand you have: Thanksgiving, the beginnings of Fall, the anticipation of Christmas and, my birthday. All fabulous things, obviously.

On the other hand, it’s a time of sadness  – there were two deaths (one 19 years ago, the other 14) that are still very poignant to me and make this month bittersweet for me, personally.

The death of a close friend who was a mainstay in my childhood, and, a musician who I’d loved for years; two people who I still think about a whole lot.

In remembrance of Stan Mason and Michael Hutchence ♥ Thinking of you both this November.

A Small Miracle

I am sure that many of you in my personal life, as well as Bloggerland, have heard me this past year sob, moan and complain about “losing my entire life” earlier this year.

Dramatic, much? No, never!

Anyways, quick re-cap: back in January my computer decided to commit suicide….not once, not twice; THREE freaking times.
Really? I have to mention this was also right in the midst of my COLLEGE courses.

My brother is a computer whiz but even he couldn’t stop the viruses and the ultimate death of my photos, music, videos and documents . To say I was crushed is an understatement. I honestly think I went into shock and stayed there. It never fully hit me that I’d lost the first drafts of my book, my daughter’s baby pics and VIDEOS (these were totally irreplaceable; they weren’t backed up or on the net ANYWHERE!) and of course, the 12,000 + songs I had in my iTunes.

I just plugged along and thought, “Guess I am starting over. Again.” *sigh*

So, yesterday (after a week of becoming unemployed, being sick, having my landlord harass me about the stupid lawn, and going without heat in our house) this all sounds way worse than it is, by the way, trust me; I went to my parents house for Sunday dinner.

My brother showed up and laid some news on me.

“So, you know how you lost all those files? Well, I think I found them.” (my brother is always this blunt. I love it.)

I think I just sat there, like a lump for a minute or two. I don’t remember much after that. My ears were ringing and my head was floating.

He plugged his external drive into my laptop and PRESTO! There were my videos, my awful poems, Berlyn’s baby pictures and yes, all 12,000 songs I had lost.

Seriously, that is some major LUCK. Or, as my mom (and I) would agree – an answered prayer. Maybe God feels bad for all the shit I’ve gone through in the last little while? (Just kidding, JC!) Or maybe, it’s just time things start to go my way.

Oh, and the first thing I looked at? Berlyn’s videos.

Originally I was going to post a video of Berlyn from her 1st time to Disneyland when she was 1. But, I still have the same crappy PC (yes, unbelievable) and the video took FOREVER to load.

So, instead enjoy the utter cuteness of newborn Berlyn and me, and my brother – being TOTAL dorks with her. The best part? My proclamation on “how heavy she is.” Um, yeah. Pretty sure she only weighed about 10 pounds.

http://www.youtube.com/get_player

Is there a lesson in all of this?

BACK UP YOUR SHIT. Seriously. I can’t believe how stupid I was not owning an external drive of my own before this.

xoxo,

Bohemianism, Fighting Back & An Update.

Bohemianism:

Lately life has become sparkly, shiny and new again.

After trudging through the murkiness of depression, personal and legal battles, ungeniune friends, laziness and lackluster ambitions (on my part) not to mention the humdrum daily life “stuff”; I have started to come out the other side.

“The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.” -Albert Camus

The uneccessary excess has been cut and I only have time, room, energy and passion for the good kind of excess – “…being drunk on words, paintings, carvings, plays, love affairs, travel, meditation, olives, cypress trees, everydayness, movie images, sounds, naked flesh, all nighters.” ~ excerpt from “Bohemian Manifesto”

Fighting Back:

With that being said, I hope people can realize that this is a new girl standing (errr, writing) before you.

I have a backbone. I have some fiery-ness. I am not the doormat, the punching bag, the sickeningly sweet or passive girl you once knew.

You’ve been warned.

Update:

And what about the past year? 2011 has been a bitch, plain and simple. But then again, so have the previous 2 years.

I’ve just been in a personal R-U-T. I start to recognize the pattern usually once it’s too late. Every couple of years something absurd and awful happens to me……I lose myself. I start to fall victim to pleasing others. I begin to act like a simpering, brain dead, mainstream little ninny and let anyone and everyone treat me like garbage. It doesn’t matter if its a boyfriend, a girlfriend or a family member.

I roll over and play dead.

But, then something else begins to happen and I get re-charged, fired up and I always come out swinging.

So, what’s been going on?

* I am still single. Yeah, imagine that. And, happy. I may not have a man and I may not be a supermodel but I am pretty bad ass.

* My daughter is super-fricking-awesome. No contest. She just is. I can’t wait to see her take on the world.

* I have finally realized that life is more than a) being popular, b) being rich or c) being “normal.” Actually, I feel sorry for anyone who are those things. Well, not the being rich one. I’d take that ANYDAY.

* School, travel, a new home, writing, psychology, true love and a few other things are still VERY much a part of my present and future. Lucky me =)

Until next time….be a forger, a maverick, a renaissance (wo)man and make some new trails. Be true to YOU and blaze over anyone or thing that stands in your way!!!

“And these children that you spit on, as they try to change their worlds, are immune to your consultations. They’re quite aware of what they’re goin’ through.” – David Bowie

Making friends…with enemies.

I can’t believe I am blogging about this, but, this is the kind of stupid crap that is part of my day to day life – so, enjoy?

Suffice it to say – if you’ve spent any prolonged amount of time with me, the subject of birds has come up. More accurately, my absolute fear, loathing, disgust and horror of birds.

I can’t even pinpoint the exact moment when birds began to bring about such terror in me but it could have been the time I was 2, sitting in Washington DC with my parents, and got swarmed by pigeons. Or it could have been all the seagulls that terrorized us kids on the playground/lunch area of our California elementary school – making us run, duck, hide, and scream to get away from the attacks for our tater tots or dive-bombing us to poop on us. I saw it happen more than once and it wasn’t pretty.

But it could have easily been seeing the movie “The Birds” too. Seriously, how could anyone like birds after seeing that?!

Whatever it was, I just don’t like them. If they ever get too close to me, I freak OUT. I sometimes cry, usually just whimper. And always get as far away from them as possible. 

Once, my ex and I sat on the patio of Red Robin one summer evening and he lured a GIANT goose over with a french fry and was trying to get it as close as he could to me. I nearly committed a murder, I was that upset.

So, it surprised me when – just last night – I realized a pigeon (of all things) had made a little “home” not 4 feet from my back door. In the trellis of my soon to be grapes, I might add.

Something inside me said “Let it stay. Maybe you can conquer this fear, once and for all.”

Hmmm. Stranger things have happened.

So far, the past few mornings that I forget it is there, I walk to my car and it flaps away furiously scaring the living shit outta me. But, I know it’s probably just as scared of me as I am of it. Riiiiight.

Here “she” (he, it? I have no idea, nor do I care..) is: (I just call it “Pidgie” for now….)

UPDATE!!!!!: True to my “airheaded-ness”, I realized soon after this post that this was actually a DOVE, not a pigeon. Yeah, I am so smart.

Moving…along nicely.

Every time I start over, I hope it’s going to all work out.

Does it? Rarely. But, I keep on trying. I think of myself as being that girl who continually puts her hand on a stove to see if it’s hot and keeps trusting and hoping but keeps getting hurt.

Regardless, I don’t care. I’ll be that way until I die and I would never change that about myself.

So, with great excitement I am announcing wonderful new changes in mine and Berlyn’s lives. It’s not gigantic or earth-shattering by any means, but well, it’s good. And I am excited so…*sticks tongue out*

We are moving into a new house. Granted, it’s a rental and it’s not in the town I had hoped to live one day but, for now, it works and it will be perfect.

Oh, and the house was built in 1915. Um, so cool! It’s so vintage and tailor-made for me because of my love of vintage. The possibilities are endless in this new abode and I can’t wait to decorate, paint, buy retro pieces and more. I definitely could be an interior decorator if the Psychology thing didn’t pan out.

*I have to mention, I asked the landlord if the house was haunted. He was dead silent for a long time and just stared at me. I still don’t know if his silence meant “yes, it is haunted” or “this girl is a whack job.” 

Speaking of, school has been horrific. Out of my 5 classes, I am pretty sure I am failing 2 and 1 hangs in the balance but, I knew I was taking on too much and it has now been proven. I guess I can’t do everything. Next semester, I am taking some cake classes – and only 2 – so I should be able to recharge and go nuts in the Fall.

And, such is my life, things constantly surprise me when I least expect them too. The job I have had for only 2 months has proven to be a godsend. Not only do I love LOVE my co-workers, I am already on the fast track to a promotion, a raise and who knows what else! The money is nothing to laugh at either.

Finally. I am getting some kind of recognition for my skills and all my hard work. It is so exhilarating!

I can’t wait to start posting about my new home and all the neat stuff still to come in 2011. No matter what hurdles I have to jump, I always know things have a funny way of working out.

PS: In even better news, my ex and I are on the road to working out some things. It’s been an entire year and a half since we’ve had ANY contact whatsoever but we both feel it is time to move on and see what the future holds. I can’t tell you all how happy this makes me. I can finally put (some of) my past to rest.

Looking Forward

This year has been very odd to me already.

I had all sorts of plans and felt I could take on everything. And by everything, I mean – job, school, motherhood and many personal goals that have been on the back burner for far too long.

But I am only one person. And sometimes too much is well, too much. I learned this the hard way (like I do everything else.)

Thankfully, I have an amazing support system and the opportunity to still change some things up. It’s only March so I seriously need to stop being so hard on myself, lol.

Every one of us needs to stop feeling pressure to please others all the time or having too high of expectations. We are all guilty of that. It’s not that we aren’t capable of certain things – we just need to know our limits as human beings. Balance is super important and gets lost in the shuffle more often than not.

Forgoing sleep, time for ourselves or being social seems doable but in reality – it isn’t.

I hope everyone can re-focus if they are feeling overwhelmed by life. Make a list – a realistic one – and recognize where you need to improve but also, where you need to let go or relax. I know doing this has really opened my eyes and now, I can move forward towards my (many) goals in a calm and feasible manner.

Much love to you all! ♥