Embracing flaws Part One

How many of you have things about yourself you hate? Are embarrassed about, wish you could change?

Have you ever thought about WHY you hate them? Chances are they are the very things people love about you.

I’ve spent countless years getting down on myself. I was too emotional, too impulsive, too dramatic, too something or other! It gets exhausting when you limit yourself in the effort to please other people and don’t realize that there are actually benefits to being the way you are.

Too emotional? I’d rather feel what I feel (and feel too much sometimes) than be a dry, void of a person.

Saw this quote and need to share: “Emotions are what make us human. Make us real. The word ’emotion’ stands for energy in motion. Be truthful about your emotions, and use your mind and emotions in your favor, not against yourself.”

Too impulsive? Because of this, I have many, MANY amazing memories and stories. Truly priceless, really. I could never be accused of being boring!

Too dramatic? That’s really in the eye of the beholder and, as I previously said, I’d rather be too much than not enough. Life is about PASSION, people. Drama comes with the territory if you are really living, know what I mean?

Too black and white (extremist)? This, I fall victim to. There are many situations I find myself feeling “in the middle” or “grey” on (politics, religion, etc) BUT when it comes to others, I go to extremes. I like this about myself. It means I have an opinion. It also means I know where I stand. And I usually do not waffle.

See? All good things come from what we perceive as being “bad” sometimes.

What do all of you struggle with?

Time is on my side (?)

Do you ever feel like you’re running against a clock?

Like, time is just tick, tick, ticking away and days, weeks, months….years are just flying by?

I feel this all the time. Daily actually. Anxiety seems to be my ultimate crux. Much more than any of my other issues (which, there are many, haha.)

I realized today just why it causes me such grief. I have been so focused on this whole TIME thing. Or really the issue of feeling I am losing time.

It seems the last 20 years have just flown by. I feel old. I think ultimately, I must be feeling that I failed somewhere – didn’t move to where I wanted to, didn’t get married, didn’t get my dream job, didn’t get enough of my youth. It could be lots of things. But, it bothers me so much.

I vow from this day forth to ENJOY MY TIME. In about, oh I don’t know, 50 years give or take….my life will be over. But at the same time, I have so much life left, and yes, YOUTH. I am not old. I still pass for 21 years old. I have about a bajillion things still left on my list…and this “father time” can bite my ass. ♥

The “R” Word

Sometimes, like yesterday, when I see a young girl is missing….it brings me RIGHT BACK.

I was a runaway for several years. I even had my very own “missing poster.”

When I look at it now, I find it so comical and even, far away.

But, it still stirs so many emotions in me.

I had my reasons for being what I was. Sometimes, they are the right ones – regardless of how old you are.

Sometimes, it’s just bad news all around.

You never can tell.

I still hope one day to write an actual BOOK about my….err…. “adventures.”

My adventure lasted nearly 4 years from the age of 11 to 15…and there were SO many components. It hurt people but it also helped me, so, I can’t ever say I did the right or wrong thing. I just did what I felt I needed too at that time in my life.

Anyways, just a rant, really. Hoping to touch on this subject again someday. Maybe…..we will see.

xoxo

Freedom of Speech is sometimes a cross to bear

I will no doubt upset a lot of music fans with this post.

But….I have felt this way for a long, long time. No offense to anyone, but, this is how I feel.

What am I talking about?

Well, Kurt Cobain. Suicide. Media. Michael Hutchence. The not fair comparisons and the way I see how the world reacts to one but not the other.

Obviously, I’m not making any sense. Yet.

Let me start at the beginning….

In 1994, Kurt Cobain – singer of Nirvana, killed himself. I won’t get into the whole “was it a suicide, was it a murder, did Courtney Love pay someone?” because I don’t know. Might as well discuss Marilyn Monroe’s death if I want to go that route. I’m not discussing any of those details right now. Only that the World freaked out when he died. I was in junior high. I listened to Motley Crue, Guns N Roses, Kiss, WASP, LA Guns, Faster Pussycat.

Nirvana was not in the same genre. In fact, it had been said that grunge killed glam rock. This I agreed with, at the time. So, Nirvana was not a favorite of mine. But, it was still sad. Kurt Cobain obviously had talent, and more than that….he was a father of a young child who lost her father when he (maybe) killed himself. Such a tragedy.

Fast forward to 1997. Inxs was perhaps one of the most agreed upon important, prolific and talented bands in the World. Michael Hutchence, their singer, was beautiful. Had a voice that could move people and had every component of a perfect male performer. I had a mad crush on him, for obvious reasons.

On my 18th birthday, in November of 1997, he was announced dead, of a suicide. I was devastated. I felt the World had truly lost a gifted talent and a star.

Over the next few months, I couldn’t help but observe how his death was viewed by the media and music fans. It seemed to be non-existent. No one talked about it, no one cared. I started to compare it to Kurt Cobain and the media frenzy that surrounded his death. Maybe that was my mistake…

Personally speaking, Michael Hutchence had a longer career. He contributed way more, musically to the World than Kurt Cobain ever did. If I were to compare the two, Kurt didn’t stand a chance in making a dent on the music world like Michael did. This angers me.

Why was one missed more than the other?

The way I see it, it had everything to do with a) the media and b) the state of our society in the mid 90s. I would be remiss if I didn’t say the younger generation had no clue what a real talent was…most kids had no idea who the hell INXS or Michael Hutchence even were and this is sad.

I can’t count how many times I have been beyond grateful for the musical upbringing/exposure I had to the previous generations. The 60s, 70s, 80s. Amazing stuff there…and yet, I have encountered kids not much younger than me, who don’t even know who David Bowie or Ozzy Osbourne are! Really?!

This feels so wrong to me.

In 2012, we are surrounded by Nicki Minaj’s, Justin Bieber’s and all that rap/pop CRAP ….well, you get the picture.

I feel so sorry for kids now. But, I feel blessed and lucky I know what great music is.

Random, random thoughts

This past week was just, well…..weird

I could’ve SWORN it was a full moon but I was informed it wasn’t.

Any-who, a few things crossed my mind. Why not share?! HAHA!

I am still taking it “one day at a time” with alcohol. It has been brutal. But, everyday I have a better attitude and I do not get too down on myself.

Watched “Crazy Heart” the other night. I’d seen it when it came out but, I watched it again because – why else – Colin Farrell has like 5 minutes in it and he looks delicious.

What hit me were the scenes with Jeff Bridges deciding to get sober. And going to rehab. All the movies I’ve seen about sobriety and rehab create a zen-like atmosphere: Nature, bubbling brooks, chirping birds, sun shining. That’s all fine and dandy, but, how does this compete with real life? It doesn’t. It can’t. Anyone could be happy and sober in a peaceful surrounding like that!

Tranquility like that doesn’t exist when you go home. Hmmm. Just an observation, really.

I had a cuh-razy work week. Lots and lots going on; technically I hold two separate positions under the umbrella of one. One of which is to oversee all of the benefits, etc offered to our clients. I dealt with our “systems” all week long. The Department of Health and Welfare, Medicaid and the VA. (For those who don’t know what I do, I am the Manager of a company that provides in-home care to the elderly and disabled. It is an amazing opportunity to help others and do some good…and it fits perfectly with my personality in that I care about people. Period.)

I was left feeling so FRUSTRATED and DISAPPOINTED in how society views people with physical, mental, etc. disabilities. There is so much CRAP to get through just to offer and provide PROPER care for some people…and really, it is everyone’s RIGHT to have that. But, whether you want to blame it on our economy, politics or just the utter lack of CARING in our country – so many suffer. See? FRUSTRATING. And I have to try and calm myself down when I talk about all of this because it is truly my deepest passion in life: social work and mental health awareness.

Ok, enough of the depressing.

Have I mentioned I have a new crush? His name is Ezra Miller. Do yourself a favor and Google him. My sister in law did and was pleasantly surprised.

Only thing is…..he’s 19. I feel so gross. Am I a cougar now? God, I hope not.

Until later! xoxo

Society’s Definition of…

What is pretty? What is ugly?

I am being more specific, really….when it comes down to it; what makes a person attractive or not attractive?

Soul.

We all have our own perceptions, but, so does society. Sometimes I think people fall victim to jumping on a bandwagon or just accepting a norm that isn’t at all how they truly feel.

Case in point: How many of you have had a friend or a boyfriend/girlfriend, who, at one time, was the “center of your universe”. They were beautiful to you, inside and out. But then, something changed. Maybe the veil was lifted from your eyes and you saw them for what they REALLY were, at their core, and all you can see is ugliness now. I’ve had this happen to me with several people. And, you’re standing there, going “What the hell does anyone see in them?! Can’t others see how ugly they are?” Not that I’m really allowed to judge, but everyone does it – especially internally. It always baffles me when egotistical, shallow, mean people are worshipped. It blows my mind.

And it happens all the time. This is also true when it comes to celebrities and those we hold up on a pedestal.

Recently, one of my good friends, who is a make-up artist in Los Angeles, had a run-in with a “celebrity.”

One day at work, this lady came in, being loud, obnoxious and ordering everyone around. According to my friend, she had an “ugly energy” around her. I believe in this, I see it myself sometimes – energy is a very strong indicator of  person’s soul.

Upon getting this vibe, my friend did not want anything to do with her. To her astonishment, people started milling around this lady, wanting pictures and autographs. Turns out she is one of the “Mob Wives.” Guess that makes it okay then?

Really, this is an issue left up to us individually. We have the right to feel what we want, think what we want and be friends with whomever we choose. I am honestly so thankful to be at a point in my life where I choose friends based on their souls rather than their popularity or image.

Besides, who wants to be surrounded by ugly, fake energy? Not this girl! =)

Hello? Is it me you’re looking for?

Lately a question has been running through my brain.

“What happened to me?”

It sort of throws me at first but, it also seems crystal clear – I don’t know myself anymore.

It’s more than just “what happened” – it’s, “where did my old luster for life, my spirit, my sparkle go?” I know that hindesight is always 20/20 and we remember the past in different ways, but I can’t help but feel sometimes that after awhile, people just….give up. And I think I did.

We go about our daily lives, doing what we need to do and somewhere along the way, we realize we don’t recognize ourselves anymore.

That, my friends, is my quandry.

Maybe I’m having an identity crisis? A mid-life crisis (haha)? Or, maybe, I’m just tired and need some new motivation in my life.

Soo, let’s make this my “resolution” for 2012.

Find ME again. Or, just make “me” better than ever before.

♥

Don’t watch if you have a soft heart or a weak stomach

I stumbled across this video (short film) a few days ago and I just about lost it.

I was pretty much fuming even though, obviously, it’s a film made for a purpose. And, it’s of a doll…not a real child.

Just the words, the context, the ugliness made me want to punch someone’s lights out.

What is it about mental health awareness that so many don’t understand? Abuse is rampant in SO many different forms. With all the bullying, child abuse and downright shitty treatment of people who are “different” in our society, it’s no wonder we haven’t turned into a bunch of neanderthals, running around clubbing each other.

How many times do we need to try and get across how HURTFUL words are. How hurtful loved ones, as well as complete strangers, can be to each other. How hurtful it is to have low self-esteem and be made fun of for it or for any kind of viewed “weakness”.

This is why I believe in mental health awareness. This is why I do what I do for a living. This is why those in the mental health industry deserve your kudos. This is also why being a mother is the most rewarding and special purpose in life I could ever wish for…and, I am thankful for it every day.

Here’s to spreading awareness and hoping those out there who mistreat others will understand that their actions are not okay.

Be heard!

“Wordfood”

My (Non Political) 9/11 Post

Everyone remembers where they were, what they were doing and what they felt on September 11th, 2001.
For some of us, it impacted our lives and our identities greatly.

I never watched the news up until that day. I had seen enough “ugly” in my own life and felt I was protecting myself by not being aware of the world affairs around me.

How young and naïve I was.

On the evening of 9/11, after watching about 5 straight hours of CNN, my parents tore me away from the TV and I wrote in my journal. I read it now and the entry is filled with fear and uncertainty. I, like so many others, felt a sort of panic. And maybe even something similar to what our ancestors felt during war times, I felt compelled to grasp onto family, happiness and my dreams/goals/ambitions. It’s no surprise that only 2 months after 9/11 happened, I moved back to California after having lived in Idaho for 7 years. I was miserable in Idaho and felt, “Hey, if my days are numbered, or, our nation’s days are numbered, I am going to go to where my heart is.” I needed to believe that if these were my last days I was truly going to be living.

But, I think we have all lost sight of what that day represented to us individually.. We felt a unity, a need to belong to the people and society around us. We felt such tremendous pride in our country and neighbors. But, 10 years later, I think things just went back to the way they were before.

It’s important to be one with your fellow man. This is something we can’t lose sight of and 9/11 reminds us of what can happen when we band together and believe in the goodness of the world.

Rest in peace, all those who were lost. And let us never forget.