Happiness = Plane tickets

I never realized that soul-mates/ being in love could transcend the male/ female line until I ended up with three amazing best friends.
The love I feel for them is not comparable to anything less than the love I have for my little girl.

I love them madly.

Being without 2 of the 3 bff’s (1 of them lives here with me) in my daily, physical life majorly SUCKS.

Having lived apart from them, for…well, years I made the decision to go to them.

My plane tickets have been bought for Austin for 2012!!! And, my trip to California is planned.

Nothing makes me happier than imagining being within their presence  again and surrounded by their love.

I can’t even describe the euphoria and the peace I feel knowing I will be with them again, even if it is for a short time.

These are the days that make life worth living. I can’t wait for my vacations (I get TWO, maybe even three this year)…but, seeing them is the best thing ever.

Yay for best friends and travel!

V Day

Here goes another Valentine’s Day.

I am not going to complain about being single. But, I am single.

I am not going to bitch and moan about there being no man in my life, because, there is no man in my life.

I’ve come to see this holiday in a much different way than I previously did. I focus on my loved ones – my little girl, my friends, my family.

The symbolism of today is expressing love – to whomever that may be. It’s not about sappy words, fancy restaurants, flowers, strawberries, champagne and sexy time. Okay, I’m lying. If the whole scenario involved Colin Farrell, then, yes….it would be okay with me. Especially the “sexy time.”

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone.

Any day about love is a good day!! ♥

Society’s Definition of…

What is pretty? What is ugly?

I am being more specific, really….when it comes down to it; what makes a person attractive or not attractive?

Soul.

We all have our own perceptions, but, so does society. Sometimes I think people fall victim to jumping on a bandwagon or just accepting a norm that isn’t at all how they truly feel.

Case in point: How many of you have had a friend or a boyfriend/girlfriend, who, at one time, was the “center of your universe”. They were beautiful to you, inside and out. But then, something changed. Maybe the veil was lifted from your eyes and you saw them for what they REALLY were, at their core, and all you can see is ugliness now. I’ve had this happen to me with several people. And, you’re standing there, going “What the hell does anyone see in them?! Can’t others see how ugly they are?” Not that I’m really allowed to judge, but everyone does it – especially internally. It always baffles me when egotistical, shallow, mean people are worshipped. It blows my mind.

And it happens all the time. This is also true when it comes to celebrities and those we hold up on a pedestal.

Recently, one of my good friends, who is a make-up artist in Los Angeles, had a run-in with a “celebrity.”

One day at work, this lady came in, being loud, obnoxious and ordering everyone around. According to my friend, she had an “ugly energy” around her. I believe in this, I see it myself sometimes – energy is a very strong indicator of  person’s soul.

Upon getting this vibe, my friend did not want anything to do with her. To her astonishment, people started milling around this lady, wanting pictures and autographs. Turns out she is one of the “Mob Wives.” Guess that makes it okay then?

Really, this is an issue left up to us individually. We have the right to feel what we want, think what we want and be friends with whomever we choose. I am honestly so thankful to be at a point in my life where I choose friends based on their souls rather than their popularity or image.

Besides, who wants to be surrounded by ugly, fake energy? Not this girl! =)

“Ten years ago, I was…”

I am finally going to do one of Mama’s Losin’ It‘s writing prompts. I could probably blog every day straight for the next 2 years if I did all the ones I wanted to. But, today, I chose this one.

There are happy memories associated with it, and…who doesn’t love happy?!

Ten years ago was 2002. I was 22 years old. I had no child, no ties to anything and I lived my life by the seat of my pants.

This….I miss.

I was pining away for my home, California, after having lived in Idaho for nearly 7 years. I was done. I got my crap together long enough to orchestrate an actual move, find a place to stay and find a job.

Which, knowing me was like climbing Everest. It was hard.

I moved back to my hometown and stayed with my best friend since childhood. We had quite a time. We allowed ourselves to act like we were 13 again, yet now…we could do things legally. We shopped, we ate, we drank, we bar-hopped, we apartment hunted and we got on each other’s nerves. It was nearly perfect.

However, the job market sucked and we soon realized we’d need to marry rich men from faraway countries in order to survive. Which, ironically, I got proposed to during this time by a gorgeous guy from Jordan who had tons of moola. And, what did I do? I did nothing. Haha!

This was also a spectacular time in my life, music wise. I always associate good memories (or, sometimes bad ones) with song. I think most people do this whether they realize it or not. For me, this was the time period that I was obsessed with The Strokes, Butch Walker, Toilet Boys (real band, I swear)…and Kylie. Minogue. *gawd* Her album “Fever” was the soundtrack of my life that year…and it went perfectly with my fast, little black sports car I eventually rode into the ground.

There were countless visits to Hollywood, which, holds a special place in my heart. My best friend and I went down one night for a show that ended up getting cancelled….but instead paid a visit to the newly opened “Hustler” store on Sunset. Of course, video cameras were inside and the local news wanted to interview us on our thoughts….I totally said something…I just don’t remember what it was and I never saw if it was aired or not. Lol…“Hi Mom!”

Another evening, which was actually the most vivid memory I have of that time period, occurred on the Hollywood Freeway, the 101. Driving my little sports car, my best friend beside me, we were laughing, blasting the “Blade” soundtrack (lololol) and speeding towards downtown. We came up over a hill and realized suddenly traffic was STOPPED. I hit the brakes, swerved into the next lane and was able to stop in time. Thank god there wasn’t another car beside me and for months afterwards, I could still see the skidmark from my tire on the freeway. We sat there in stunned silence for about 5 minutes, and I truly felt my life had flashed before my eyes. Talk about an adrenaline rush. I don’t think my best friend found it as funny as I did, by the way.

The worst parts about that time? I got my first major credit card and maxed it out in 2 WEEKS.

And, I did come back to Idaho when the money ran out. But, I went back in 2005. That’s a story for another time… =)

1991

Last evening, I spent some time with my Mom, my aunt and several of my cousins. It was a scrapbooking party but I didn’t do any.

I’m just not crafty.

My mom was working on the year 1991 – and had her calendars saved from that year to help her remember – she claims she has a bad memory.

It started with her giving me a hard time (not really) about the fact that I had cut out a picture on her calendar because I wanted it, which resulted in destroying part of the entries she had made on it – to which my Dad also gave me a hard time. Of course we laughed about it now, seeing that she had a BACKUP calendar for the same year – only this one was more or less a diary of daily events on every day.

It was so detailed, she actually chronicled what we ate, what stores we went to and so on. Pretty impressive.

Upon reading through this diary, I was astonished to see so many memories captured. The kind of things you vaguely remember but not sharply, yet here they were – and with actual dates.

My mom used to watch Beverly Hills 90210 with me every Wednesday. I was still a girl scout and …did some cheerleading. {Don’t laugh. Really, I just got stuck in the back and held someone’s foot up. I was never meant to be a cheerleader.} The night I slept over at my best friends house, we snuck out to the mall to see a movie. My mom knew about it, and wrote about it. Surprisingly, I became an honor student that year too and I did a huge research project on the Barrymore Dynasty (Drew Barrymore’s family). And my brother was in 3 sports and got in trouble at school for “ninja fighting.”

Every one of these events was cataloged.

Of course, the sneaking out I did and the ninja fighting my brother did should have been giant clues of things to come…lol.

I was so inspired mainly because being the mother of a 4 1/2 year old, it’s amazing what you forget. I am lucky that I do enjoy writing and I have captured some events of Berlyn’s – but, not enough. I’ve decided to start chronicling every day, down the most minuet detail. I thoroughly enjoyed reading all those entries and I know someday Berlyn will too.

The evening ended splendidly, as my mom pulled out some pictures from a weekend I did a few girl scout activities. We were at a park and going down slides (we were 11) and several of the pictures showed myself and my friend Elizabeth careening down the slide headfirst, the last one of me crying. I guess we were too big to be on it. For some reason, these pictures were HILARIOUS. Like, I haven’t seen my mom laugh so hard in…forever. It’s cringeworthy to see the clothes I wore, how nerdy I was, etc but I wouldn’t change the past for anything.

Searching for the words.

Today was one of those days.

A day where life just smacks into you with all it’s might, slamming into your heart, your mind, your being.

I was left feeling….well, TOO much, much more than I had expected to feel.

And now I feel a little dazed. And confused.

It’s strange when you have a “life plan” and you more or less have resigned yourself to it. It may not be exactly what you wanted, but…it will do. For now. I have settled into a comfortable life these days. I have a wonderful job, I have a perfect, genuine group of friends and I have a beautiful, little girl. I don’t ask for much and I don’t expect a lot.

Maybe that was my mistake? Maybe all along I should have been true(r) to myself and wished for more.

After all, we only have one life.

Tonight, I have a heavy heart. It hurts. And, it is causing me to repress tears and anguish, even screaming because that’s all I want to do right now. {That punching bag is sounding mighty nice now…}

All I know is, 2012 has already thrown me for a giant loop and I am both exhilarated and terrified to see what is in store these upcoming months. I have literally gone through the entire range of human emotion multiple times in just the last 2 weeks.

Luckily, I know me. And me is a fighter. A survivor and I don’t back down or rest. Time to finally put myself to the ultimate test: living the life I was meant to live.