When life throws you a dirty diaper…

Hey everyone!

This last Friday night, I was enjoying a cigarette and a long distance conversation with my best friend in California, out on my back patio.

I looked to my left, and there sat a ….dirty diaper.

Obviously, this was not mine as my daughter is 5 years old and has been potty-trained for almost 3 years now.

Maybe I should back up a little? I haven’t told any of you about my next door neighbors, have I? Well then.

Berlyn and I moved into our little condo in March of 2012. Everything started out great, as our neighbors on the other side of the fence had a little boy who is one year older than Berlyn. {They also have twin 2 year old girls.} It was so nice that Berlyn had a little playmate right next door and they could play together since I could easily see/hear them through our fence.

That didn’t last long.

Back in July, I bought them water balloons and showed them how to use the faucet outside to fill them. I went inside to use the restroom for 2 minutes and came out to find my kitchen/living room SOAKED in water, which included my brand new computer. Can you guess who did this? Definitely not my daughter. Berlyn also slipped on the wet tile and hit her head. Thank GOD she was okay and we didn’t have to make a trip to the hospital. And this little boy never even apologized. I was livid. After that, he was no longer allowed in my house.

He also likes to throw sand from his sandbox at my WINDOWS. And nearly every day she comes home in tears, saying he was mean to her or he didn’t want to play with her. Until the next day, that is and he is begging Berlyn to come over and play. I always give him the benefit of the doubt, and hope that Berlyn will make the decision herself if she wants to play with him or not. Every time this happens, I reinforce to Berlyn that she doesn’t have to be everyone’s friend. Lord knows, I learned this the hard way and I was an adult! Regardless, it’s a learning experience and I want Berlyn to make up her own mind.

One night last month, I walked outside to hear him giving Berlyn a hard time about her “picking one of his Mom’s flowers and so she couldn’t come over there anymore.” I blurted out, “Excuse me, do you remember when you trashed my house with water and sand? And Berlyn fell on the tile? Did I forbid you to play with my daughter? No…I didn’t. Knock it off.”

Ugh, I was furious.

So, back to the beginning of my story. The dirty diaper….

I am 99.9% sure I know who threw that thing into my yard. Along with about a bajillion other toys, objects, etc.

Naturally, I returned the items to them. In a box, in front of their gate to their house. With the diaper right on top.

You’re welcome!

Half of summer, gone.

Every year I promise myself that this summer will be better than last. For once, I’ve not been disappointed.
Already 2012 has blown 2011 out of the water. If that sounds a little “competitive” it should – always striving to be a better person and have a better life is a GOOD thing!

Even though mine and Berlyn’s California vacation fell through, it was a blessing in disguise. Strange how life works sometimes, huh? I was upset at the time, but quickly realized it would have been the wrong time to go. It also means I wouldn’t have met a certain handsome someone either…only time will tell if this is good or bad, LOL. (I’m totally kidding, by the way.) =)

Speaking of, Mr. Handsome and I are officially “exclusive”, but have yet to reach “Facebook status”…which, is okay by me. I’d rather have something real and genuine – like, a mature and grown-up relationship for once. {What is that even? Haha. I’ve never known! Finally finding out}. I like that we are taking our time, too many people feel the need to rush into a “label” and then they wonder why it doesn’t work out. Even if it doesn’t work out for us, I’m still having fun. That’s what life is all about.

It always amuses me to no end – you can be single for years (as I have been) but, the SECOND you meet someone, the other guys come out of the woodwork. Needless to say, some funny shit has gone down in the past month and I just laugh and laugh and laugh at how ridiculous some “men” can act…..

As usual, my job is high stress but always rewarding and at the end of the day, I feel so blessed. My position recently got re-structured; in a good way. I am always so thankful to have co-workers and a boss that I genuinely LOVE and care about..and enjoy seeing everyday =)

Berlyn is nearing kindergarten – one more month!!! I am about 10x’s more nervous than she is…why is that?! She is busy as ever too – she rarely sits still,  is always creating something and gets more and more social by the day.

Sometimes, she just wipes out…it’s inevitable, lol:

There has been no shortage of fun in my life either. One week, while Berlyn was with Daddy, I had plans every single night except one. I was exhausted. I am not usually known for being a social butterfly but, I enjoyed all the activity – even though my house went untouched for a week.

One person who amuses me to no end is my sister in law. We recently had a little “back and forth” going on when she sent me a Nickelback CD, unmarked, in the mail. I hate Nickelback…like, DESPISE them. I think people who listen to them are gross (haha, no offense.) So, naturally she sent me their CD. Just to piss me off. I got my revenge, in a manner of speaking, when my parents had a yard sale:

Add to this, we decided to go see “Magic Mike.”

I have never, ever laughed so hard in one evening. It was the worst movie I have seen – and the only thing(s) that saved it were 1. Matthew McConaughey and 2. Joe Manganiello. At one point, I got so excited, I knocked a soda into my sister in law’s lap, which made us laugh even harder. When the “dirty dance” scenes came back on, she exclaimed “I feel like I’m on a roller coaster!”…talk about high blood pressure…lord almighty. I normally do not conduct myself this way. I am certainly boy crazy. And even though men that look like that don’t usually “do it for me”, that made no difference. We came out of that theatre giggling like schoolgirls and sweating. Even better? I had just gotten “Fifty Shades of Grey” in the mail that morning, and my sister in law decided to read me a really dirty passage out of it, as we were sitting in the parking lot, with the windows down. Very loudly, and in her best “Christian Grey” voice, she recited something very lewd as a couple was walking by my car. I thought I was going to pee my pants.

(Just a heads up, “Total Recall” {COLIN. “SEXY BEAST”. FARRELL} will be in the theatres August 3rd. My sister in law and I are going…and I can only imagine what mayhem is going to ensue….probably have to be hauled away by an ambulance, LOL!)

I’ve also begun attending a meditation group, which – go figure – is hosted by a certain handsome someone =) I am really enjoying getting to spend time with new and like-minded individuals…and I’m learning so much! Being around intelligent, open and just cool people is so wonderful.

Til next time! I have a ton of plans coming up in the next few months, can’t wait to share! =)

“Ten years ago, I was…”

I am finally going to do one of Mama’s Losin’ It‘s writing prompts. I could probably blog every day straight for the next 2 years if I did all the ones I wanted to. But, today, I chose this one.

There are happy memories associated with it, and…who doesn’t love happy?!

Ten years ago was 2002. I was 22 years old. I had no child, no ties to anything and I lived my life by the seat of my pants.

This….I miss.

I was pining away for my home, California, after having lived in Idaho for nearly 7 years. I was done. I got my crap together long enough to orchestrate an actual move, find a place to stay and find a job.

Which, knowing me was like climbing Everest. It was hard.

I moved back to my hometown and stayed with my best friend since childhood. We had quite a time. We allowed ourselves to act like we were 13 again, yet now…we could do things legally. We shopped, we ate, we drank, we bar-hopped, we apartment hunted and we got on each other’s nerves. It was nearly perfect.

However, the job market sucked and we soon realized we’d need to marry rich men from faraway countries in order to survive. Which, ironically, I got proposed to during this time by a gorgeous guy from Jordan who had tons of moola. And, what did I do? I did nothing. Haha!

This was also a spectacular time in my life, music wise. I always associate good memories (or, sometimes bad ones) with song. I think most people do this whether they realize it or not. For me, this was the time period that I was obsessed with The Strokes, Butch Walker, Toilet Boys (real band, I swear)…and Kylie. Minogue. *gawd* Her album “Fever” was the soundtrack of my life that year…and it went perfectly with my fast, little black sports car I eventually rode into the ground.

There were countless visits to Hollywood, which, holds a special place in my heart. My best friend and I went down one night for a show that ended up getting cancelled….but instead paid a visit to the newly opened “Hustler” store on Sunset. Of course, video cameras were inside and the local news wanted to interview us on our thoughts….I totally said something…I just don’t remember what it was and I never saw if it was aired or not. Lol…“Hi Mom!”

Another evening, which was actually the most vivid memory I have of that time period, occurred on the Hollywood Freeway, the 101. Driving my little sports car, my best friend beside me, we were laughing, blasting the “Blade” soundtrack (lololol) and speeding towards downtown. We came up over a hill and realized suddenly traffic was STOPPED. I hit the brakes, swerved into the next lane and was able to stop in time. Thank god there wasn’t another car beside me and for months afterwards, I could still see the skidmark from my tire on the freeway. We sat there in stunned silence for about 5 minutes, and I truly felt my life had flashed before my eyes. Talk about an adrenaline rush. I don’t think my best friend found it as funny as I did, by the way.

The worst parts about that time? I got my first major credit card and maxed it out in 2 WEEKS.

And, I did come back to Idaho when the money ran out. But, I went back in 2005. That’s a story for another time… =)

The Fang Factor

In my book, there are 2 things one needs to be a great film vampire.

Having seen pretty much EVERY vampire movie EVER made, I feel I am allowed to express these opinions. Well, really I’d express them anyways because I don’t care if people listen to me or not.

And, if there is one thing I truly know? It’s my vampires.

So, the two things one needs to be the best of the best? Believability and….sex appeal. They have to have one or the other.

Hot vampires seem to be all the rage in the last 20 years. I am not the only one who believes in the sex appeal factor…obviously.

These are my Top 5 vamps of all time –

5. Kiefer Sutherland – The Lost Boys

I saw “The Lost Boys” when I was about 8. The only reason I saw it was because it was a “Corey x 2 flick”, you know, Corey Feldman, Corey Haim. There, my secret is out – I was crushing on Corey Feldman at one time (shudder). But something happened – I fell in LOVE with vampires. I was totally riveted. These disgusting, bloody animals that were ripping people apart were well, kinda appealing. Why?! I didn’t know but I couldn’t pull my attention away. That’s where it started.

Kiefer was a different kind of vampire, not Old Hollywood, not suave and mysterious but the BEST kind: the bad boy.

(Can’t forget to mention this is also the first time I laid eyes on Billy Wirth. If you haven’t seen him yet, do yourself a favor… ) 😉

4. Antonio Banderas – Interview with the Vampire

Obviously when anyone mentions “Interview with the Vampire” there are two other vampires people think of – Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt.

Are they worthy of mentioning? Of course. They were superb. Are they my favorite? No.

Once I got a glimpse of Antonio as “Armand” I was done. The main rule of being a good vampire is the element of mystery, the dark, sinister appearance and attitude. Antonio had it. And he also had an incredible steaminess I haven’t ever seen in any other vampire. Basically, I wanted to jump through the screen and offer my naked body to him. But then again, we are talking about Antonio Banderas here.

3. Colin Farrell – Fright Night 2010

Ok, so Colin probably shouldn’t be on this list. I put him here strictly as eye candy.

He played a vampire in the remake of a classic 80s horror flick and he really, truly was NOT scary. But god damn, if he isn’t the sexiest and best looking vampire I’ve ever seen! He has a very cool, very calculated thing about him and the fact that he doesn’t come off as a creepy vampire makes him all the more appealing. He reminds me of a snake, very hypnotic and very deadly.

Uh, I’d take a next door neighbor like him anyday, even if he were trying to kill me.

2. Bela Lugosi – Dracula (1931)

Bela ought to be #1. But, there is a reason he isn’t – which I’ll go into in a minute. No one is more the embodiment of the true “Hollywood” vampire other than Bela. Dracula is the grand-daddy of all vampires and no one played him better than Lugosi.

The original vampire tales were of decaying, disgusting, smelly dead things that crawled into people’s home at night and ate them. Obviously, this is not the image Hollywood wanted to perpetuate. So, they came up with Bela.

Aristocratic, quiet, sinister, charming. These are the basic fundamentals of the Dracula myth. And – believe me – it is a myth. The original Dracula (Vlad Dracul) had people decapitated and their heads mounted on spikes.

The first time I saw this “Dracula” I was terrified. He truly had a power – you could not take your eyes off of him. And Bela was a legend, both off and on screen. Hell, one of the greatest songs of all time (“Bela Lugosi’s Dead by Bauhaus) was about his death. No one else can touch him.

1. Gary Oldman – Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)

Gary is the best vampire of all time. Period. This has a lot to do with the fact that he is my favorite actor ever.

I saw Bram Stoker’s Dracula when I was around 12. The movie is hands down one of the best pieces of cinema out there. Francis Ford Coppola directed it, it starred Gary, Winona Ryder, Keanu Reeves, Anthony Hopkins and several other notibles. Apart from the cinematography, the costumes, the soundtrack and the storyline, Gary made the movie.

Never has someone (especially such a diverse actor like Oldman) been able to hit the nail on the head with not one but 3 different versions of Dracula in one film. Gary starts out as the young, handsome prince (pictured below) but then, goes…

to this…

to this…

Seriously amazing. This film is my biggest guilty pleasure and does a lot to reflect true vampire lore and the actual history it was originally based on.

So, there are my five. But there are several worth mentioning – they are gorgeous, they are wonderful actors and they do the title of “vampire” justice.

See below.

Honorable Mentions:

Brad Pitt

Stuart Townsend

David Boreanaz (Angel)

Notice a certain sparkling vampire missing? Yeah, that’s on purpose. He’s sure pretty but he’s not one of the greats.

What kids are thankful for.

This past week I had to just laugh at my daughter.

She is four years old. Sometimes I think, “Holy crap! Are kids really this hilarious and smart…or is it just MY kid?”

Regardless, she brought home this a few days ago and I CRACK UP every time I look at it (pardon the quality, it’s a cell phone pic):

Let’s first point out that she is thankful for “iPhones and dogs.” Phones are obviously important even to little children especially the very pricey iPhone. We only have cats. The baby? At first I thought it meant she saw herself as that baby or maybe wanted a sibling. Turns out, she WANTS ONE OF HER OWN. *shoot me* Then, the parents. I get that she is thankful for me and her dad. It’s so sweet. But what is so funny….I am the anti-blonde and her dad looks nothing like this. Maybe I’m reading into it too much, but my god, I can’t help but laugh at it.

Then, just last night, we were snuggled by our tree, watching “A Christmas Story” for probably the 10th time. The infamous tire change scene where Ralphie says the “F” word came on. Berlyn blurted out “He says FUCK!”

I jumped up and immediately went into “mom mode”.

“What did you just say?!” I shrieked.

Apparently, she’s pretty smart. How she figured that out, I have no idea. I certainly didn’t tell her… I swear!

So, I captured the replay on video for you all. Enjoy!

And remember, kids are SPONGES. I shudder to think at everything she has seen and heard in her 4 little years.

Kid Stuff, Psychology and the Science of Cartoons

There is some weird shit out there in Kid-Dom these days. Sometimes I am just baffled by what I see. I often find myself wondering, ‘who writes this stuff, who okays it and what do kids actually think about this’?!

What is appropriate and what is not appropriate?

This began to bother me when I read about the iCarly episode that Nickelodeon aired. NAMI was the one to report on it and this is what they said:

“iCarly, a popular comedy for “tweens” and younger kids, will air a show “I Lost My Mind,” w/a character who checks into a “mental hospital”; her friends try to “break her out.” Promo commercials use language like “crazy” and “insane.”
If inclined, contact Nickelodeon at: Nickprivacy@nickonline.com or: (212) 258-7579 or Nickelodeon Viewer Services, 1515 Broadway 44th Floor, NY 10036.”

I can’t count how many times in my own life filled with television, movies, etc that scenes like this one have been rampant. and, we don’t even bat an eyelash. Why is that? Maybe the perpetuation of this stigma is the PROBLEM. Hmm, ya think?

Then, a few weeks later, I checked out a book from the local library for Berlyn. It was called “Don’t call me Pruneface” and I thought it looked silly and amusing. Especially because of the title. Literally on the first page is this picture/caption:

I felt really uncomfortable even reading this to my daughter. I kept thinking to myself “what does she think this word means? Is this supposed to be funny?”

Having been called many of these names in my own life by former friends, acquaintances, boyfriends – “crazy, lunatic, psycho, mental, nuts” – these are words that HURT. These are words that carry a very strong and negative connotation to them regardless of how you “mean” them. Most people are so ignorant or clueless that they think they are harmless.  Or, don’t care. I’ve even caught myself referring to people with these words and I feel such a sense of shame. The most shameful part is that I don’t even really MEAN it, it’s just such a habit that they involuntarily come out.

How do we break this cycle?

Next is a subject I definitely need to pay more attention to and be concerned with. Having a daughter is both a blessing and a curse.

I’ve really started to notice how females are portrayed in television shows, books, songs, movies, and our society. I am not a feminist by any means but I am also not a soccer mom. I am not married (I choose not to be), I am in full support of nudity, pin ups and burlesque; I love Motley Crue and ‘Married with Children’ (which are 2 of the most sexist. misogynist things out there) but, I am all about women’s lib, women’s rights, etc. I am a dichotomy, I know… Ha!

So, I was really startled when, in a scene from Scooby‘s“Camp Scare” with Velma and Daphne, Velma is told by a male to “just stand and look pretty”. Daphne’s excited/giggly response? “He thinks you’re pretty!!!”

I had a “what-the-fuck” moment. I couldn’t believe my ears. The original Scooby is from 1969 (so, sexism might seem a little more fitting back then) but this movie was made in 2010.

Not good.

Don’t even get me started on Katy Perry. I truly love her (her style and her music) and so does Berlyn. A LOT. Do I think she’s harmless? Yes, personally I do. But some of her lyrics are not appropriate for young girls. and kids always have a knack for picking out/hearing the worst parts. Recently, Berlyn said to me “Mommy, can I hear that ‘Strangers in my Bed’ song?” HUH?! Translation = “Last Friday Night”.

I do not want to ever become one of those parents who uses the media as a “babysitter” and/or educator.  I definitely believe in monitoring what my child is exposed to.

At the same time, I don’t believe in being TOO rigid and censored or denying my child the ability to discover music, art, books and film.

It’s a hard call.

Netflix = Godsend or Curse?

We signed up for the “free trail” of Netflix on our (new, 42 inch flat screen) TV.

Little did I know what I was getting myself into.

Immediately I knew this was either the greatest thing to ever happen to us…or, a grave mistake.

Countless episodes of:

• Toddlers and Tiaras
• Clean House
• Hoarders
• Mad Men
• Law and Order
• Medium
• Ghost Adventures
• Criss Angel Mindfreak (drool)
• Heroes
• Parenthood
• Weeds
• Bones
• Reno 911
• Intervention
• Dr 90210
• Nip/Tuck
• Prison Break
• Breaking Bad
• Paranormal State
• The Wonder Years
• Psych
• Caillou
• Spongebob Squarepants
• Dora the Explorer

 AND MORE…..All at our little fingertips.

I could always watch Army Wives, Jersey Shore, Teen Mom or Pawn Stars…but, WHY?

I have already spent a few evenings (into the wee hours of the AM) scrolling thru my options.

God help us when the actual ‘full blown membership’ (and 1000s more to choose from) kicks in….

(Let me not forget to mention that there are MOVIES on there as well, not just TV shows. I am in so.much.trouble.)

In the wise words of Al Bundy, “They will be able to find me by the butt prints on my couch cushion if I ever go missing.” 

Scary, scary thought.

The Can Food Drive.

*This is the first installment in my “Flashback Project.” Hope you enjoy it! And, don’t write me any hate mail. These events happened when I was a KID.

Long ago (in the mid 80s) I did a really stupid thing.

Granted, I’ve done many stupid things but, this one pretty much took the cake.

On the whim of one of my “brilliant ideas” I talked my neighbor into doing a “can food drive around our cul-de-sac” one California afternoon. This actually translates into = we wanted free toys.

  

To fully understand why this was so awful, you need to know a few things first. 

One being, I was raised in a middle/upper class neighborhood. My parents did well financially. We had a swimming pool and a Mercedes and were definitely not poor.
Another being, I was spoiled, truth be told. But as a child, you don’t realize those sorts of things. Until later, of course.

My next door neighbor, K* was a lot like me (although, her family had 3 Mercedes, not one.)

K* and I got into all sorts of mischief over the years. But, to be fair, we were equally naughty. Once, we had drawn on the back of a neighbor girls dress with chalk, as she was headed to a wedding. Her mother, seeing the mess we made on her dress, marched down to our homes and demanded an apology. The little girl was a brat, but, we were definitely in the wrong. Even though, it felt so good at the time, haha!

(Interesting, random note – K* is now married to the former Cincinnati Bengals QB, TJ Houshmandzadeh.)

So, on the day in question, I got this idea.

I was about 8 years old and bored. I, along with K*, wondered if we could maybe get some free stuff by posing as supporters of our local church. (I realize, this is definite grounds for “going to hell.”)

We set out, going house by house, ringing the bell and putting our best “sweet, innocent little girl” voices/faces on. It worked. Well, sort of.

At the end of the day, we ended up with about 20 cans of canned food. From our nice, trusting neighbors. We ended up with not one toy though.

= FAIL.

So, what to do? Instead of, oh I don’t know, just throwing the cans away or something, we felt we had to get rid of the evidence. We targeted a neighbor’s house – one we felt was unfriendly and “odd”-  and decided our plan of action.

We would toss the 2 bags of canned food over his brick wall and be done with it. Like, it had never happened.

Wow, how stupid were we?

I now see how wrong this was. But, at 8 years old, I just had no concept. {Trust me – a few years later, I went through many life lessons of my own and now shudder at this whole debacle.}

We hoisted the heavy bags over the brick wall and immediately realized, we’d made a mistake – it hit his dog (or just scared it) – I’ll never really know….and the dog immediately began barking like crazy. We sprinted off towards our respective homes (K’s* was much closer than mine) and felt safe once indoors.

Obviously, we weren’t as quick as we thought we were.

The neighbor saw ME (not *K) fly into my house and promptly rang my doorbell.

I hid in my downstairs bathroom as I listened to the conversation between my neighbor and (gulp) my Dad.

Long story short, K* and I both got called outside, in front of our parents/grandparents/neighbor to admit to our transgression.

We then had to return all the canned goods we “stole” to the proper household and also, apologize for being bored, spoiled little brats.

Yep, we were.

I seriously can’t even believe we did what we did.

It just goes to show – you really have no concept of the real world around you as a child – until it is blatantly pointed out to you.

The memory of this now makes me cringe. Not 4 years later, I was a runaway, living both on the streets of Hollywood AND in my parent’s home (like a fricking ping pong ball) – I learned so much, more than any classroom or after school special could have taught me.

Sometimes I think, the youth of our nation needs to experience something like being homeless. a runaway or poor to appreciate what they have. That may sound extreme, but, how else will children become adults? They have to be aware of right and wrong. even in the most extreme situations.

I can laugh at this now. Kind of. I think my parents can too, even though it was probably mortifying to them at the time (and would be to me now, as a mother myself.)

If it taught me anything (which, it DID), I became more aware of the social problems in the world. In a sort of reverse sense. I realized my true calling for social work, psychology, activism and such at a very young age. *I am so thankful for that lesson.*

The Flashback Project

One of the biggest things I have always, really, truly wanted to do was write.

That, and marry a rock star.

I have been writing since I was very young. My 1st memories are from age 7 or 8; writing awful, hideous “horror tales” (because frankly, that is what interested me.)

I didn’t actually enjoy writing until I got some recognition and encouragement. Which, oddly enough, was from my 4th grade teacher. Shortly after that, I won a writing contest at our local mall. LOL

But, the one thing I always come back to is – writing about my own life. My stories. My experiences. My adventures. There are so many (really, you have NO idea) and even though most people might find them utterly boring or silly (or hard to swallow), I like them. So, I am planning on sharing some of them here for you.

It will either be genuinely funny to you or you will just like laughing at my expense. But either way, I am perfectly fine with that.

xoxo
AATJ