Passion.

There are so many wonderful, chilling, inspiring, uplifting and mesmerizing quotes I have heard over the years. I am a total quote-slut. {Totally just made that word up, by the way. Don’t steal it!}

Few quotes resonate within me as deeply and to my core as this one. Ignore that it came from a teen TV series, okay? You never know just where you might find inspiration.

“Passion…it lies in all of us.
Sleeping. Waiting.
And though unwanted, unbidden…
It will stir..Open its jaws and howl.
It speaks to us, guides us.
Passion rules us all and we obey.
What other choice do we have?
Passion is the source of our finest moments.
The joy of love…the clarity of hatred..
and the ecstacy of grief.
It hurts sometimes more than we can bear.
If we could live without passion,
maybe we’d know some kind of peace.
But we would be hollow.
Empty rooms: shuttered and dank.

Without passion…
we’d be truly dead.”

— Angelus – Passion (2:17 episode 29)

{via http://fuckyeahbuffyandangel.tumblr.com}

2013….so far, so good.

Happy January!

Now more than ever, I miss California. The weather here has been freeeeeeeeeezing cold. I don’t do well in cold. Ever. Especially anything below 65 degrees. I’d rather stab my eyes out with a fork than be cold.

In spite of that, things have been great. Berlyn is doing so amazing in school. She can read, write and is such a conversationalist. I wish others could hear her sometimes – she is hysterical. Within the last few days, these have been a few of our personal convos/interactions:

This weekend –

Berlyn, singing “We are never ever, ever getting back together..”
Me: “NOT IN THIS HOUSE!”
Berlyn, gets quiet. Starts singing “Miss Murder” by AFI.

Last week –

Berlyn “Hey Mom, do you know the ‘Exorcist 2: The Heretic’?”
Me: “Um…yessss. Why, do YOU?”
Berlyn: “Yep. I saw the preview. It looks cheesy.”

My mom: “Can I borrow ‘The Parent Trap?”
Me: “Of course.”
Berlyn: “WHY do they make PARENT TRAPS?!”

Hahahahahaha!

Other than being a Mommy, which is still my favorite thing in the World; I have been processing a lot of thoughts and ideas. I’ve started writing again, I have a love affair with music again (thanks to Davey Havok), and…..*drumroll* – I have even considered the pros and cons of living a straight edge and vegan (or, more realistically, a vegetarian) lifestyle.

Now, I know…this probably sounds way too extreme. But, the thing about me that most don’t know? I mull things over for a long while. Sometimes years…then, when I make a decision people think I’m being “impulsive.” Truth is, I maybe just haven’t vocalized it or discussed it with anyone so it seems so sudden. My brain is always in motion. If you had the number of thoughts/ideas *I* have in one day, you’d be exhausted.

Pertaining to the straight edge lifestyle – I’ve been on this path, mentally, for awhile now. Some may remember last year I attempted to detox my body of alcohol, cigarettes and bad food. (see this post). This is a constant thought for me – I think about it every other day. I want desperately to be rid of those substances and toxins but, it always falls back to being a “habit.” Ugh.

Regarding the vegetarian/vegan topic. Truth be told, I have never, ever been a meat fan. And a small part of me has always felt guilt, disgust, etc. towards consuming animals. I have considered it in the past and truly felt it wouldn’t be all that hard for me to put into effect. Even better would be exposing Berlyn to this lifestyle early on and saving her from some of the unhealthy things that run rampant in our country these days. Nutrition is super important of course, and the argument that meat is NECESSARY to a person’s diet is ridiculous. I may not be as “educated” as some but, why should that even matter? You feel what you feel and that’s what should drive you – especially when it’s to change something for the better. Duh.

Berlyn came home with this book just last week. I was pretty stunned…..I rarely discuss “diet” or “health” with her because I’m not the best example – which, I am ashamed of. But, it made me proud. And, it gave me encouragement that perhaps I was on the right path in thinking we needed to make a drastic change to our lifestyles and health.

It’s always fascinating to me how things come together or start to take shape in my life. Little clues start popping up and then, one day, it’s staring me in the face. Several months ago, Davey Havok, the singer of AFI, became a fixture in my life. I didn’t understand why exactly, other than his obvious good looks, good music and positive attitude. That’s enough really, but when I found out more – I was so intrigued, I could barely sit still. It became more and more apparent that he was inspiring me in the RIGHT direction(s) and that excited(es) me beyond words.

Bottom line: Why disrespect your body?

For me, cigarettes, alcohol and unhealthy things have always been there. I have used the same excuses for years; ‘I can’t stop’. ‘I enjoy these things’. ‘They help me cope/relieve my stress’. ‘It’s not that harmful’. Or, my favorite one: ‘At least I’m not doing hard drugs’. Haha, what a crock. I’ve even found myself trying to negotiate with myself, ‘I can just quit one, and keep doing the other.’ Um, newsflash Einstein – they’re both bad.

The concept of someone abstaining from all those things just baffled me. I felt surely they had to have the willpower/self-control of a superhero. Or, a freak….lol.

My brother is a perfect example of this. He IS straight edge without even realizing he is. He has never touched drugs, alcohol or cigarettes – and even crazier than that? He has zero desire. It just has never appealed to him.

At the end of the day, it’s all in your mentality – and choosing not to be driven or seduced by these things. People quit smoking or change their diets all the time. Telling yourself you can’t do it….well, that’s just being lazy or being a coward.

Why NOT live the cleanest, healthiest, purest life you can? I’m out of excuses.

When Love & Music Collide

I feel very sorry for anyone who has never been totally, 110%, madly in love with a band or artist. Even better than that is the initial “discovery” of them, when they are brand new and you fall in love with their music, their look, whatever it is that draws you in.You can’t get enough of them, you listen to the same song on repeat 20 times, you feel something deeper and more intense than just some Top 40 hit on the radio. It speaks to you.

It has got to be one of the biggest highs I’ve ever experienced in life.

Just recently *BAM* I got hit.

AFI (A Fire Inside) have been around for a long, long time. I have known about them since about 2002. I was a moderate fan of their music, but a HUGE fan of their singer. My earliest memory was pretty typical of me. I had a MySpace account and was “meeting new people/making friends over the internet.” This really cool punk/goth girl befriended me and I noticed she liked AFI’s singer, Davey Havok in her info. I said “Oh my god, he is sooo hot!” Um, well, because he is. Actually “hot’s” not the word for him, more like stunningly gorgeous, but, eh.

Anyways, I immediately got deleted. Apparently, you aren’t supposed to talk about how beautiful Davey Havok is. It’s like “Fight Club” or something.

I told my sister-in-law this story the other night and she burst out laughing. “I am so glad you said that.” I guess there are/were a lot of “scene girls” who get mad when people focus on his looks. Stuuuupid.

Long story – to the point. Stumbled across them again about 2 months ago and I lost it. Just totally can’t handle how in love with their music I am – and him. Musically they have got to be just one of the best bands of all time….and that VOICE.

Something worth mentioning – which, really has nothing to do with their music – is that Davey is one of the few musicians who lives a “straight edge” lifestyle. I’d never heard this term, so you’re probably scratching your head.

“Straight edge is a subculture and subgenre of hardcore punk whose adherents refrain from using alcohol, tobacco, and other recreational drugs. It was a direct reaction to the sexual revolution, hedonism, and excess associated with punk rock. For some, this extends to not engaging in promiscuous sex, following a vegetarian or vegan diet, and not using caffeine or prescription drugs.”

He goes against everything a typical rock star should be, but because of it, he’s better. Never in a million years did I think I would love a musician who was any of those things – haha!

I actually love their less mainstream stuff, but, they don’t have many videos for those. So, enjoy.

AFI – Miss Murder

AFI – Love Like Winter

Blaqk Audio – Stiff Kittens (Davey’s side project)

Poetry/Inspiration.

One day I (can only) hope to write like Jim Morrison ♥

“Awake.

Shake dreams from your hair my pretty child, my sweet one.

Choose the day and choose the sign of your day the day’s divinity.

First thing you see.

A vast radiant beach and cooled jeweled moon.

Couples naked race down by it’s quiet side.

And we laugh like soft, mad children, smug in the wooly cotton brains of infancy.

The music and voices are all around us.

Choose they croon the Ancient Ones the time has come again choose now, they croon beneath the moon beside an ancient lake.

Enter again the sweet forest. Enter the hot dream.

Come with us everything is broken up and dances. Indians scattered, On dawn’s highway bleeding. Ghosts crowd the young child’s, Fragile eggshell mind We have assembled inside, This ancient and insane theater To propagate our lust for life, And flee the swarming wisdom of the streets.

The barns have stormed The windows kept, And only one of all the rest. To dance and save us From the divine mockery of words, Music inflames temperament.

Ooh great creator of being, Grant us one more hour, To perform our art And perfect our lives.

We need great golden copulations, When the true kings murderers Are allowed to roam free, A thousand magicians arise in the land.

Where are the feast we are promised? One more thing Thank you oh lord For the white blind light Thank you oh lord For the white blind light A city rises from the sea I had a splitting headache From which the future’s made.”

Week One

Thought I would do a quick check-in….this is a progress report – for myself, really – on how life has been this last week without alcohol. I would be lying if I said it had been easy. It wasn’t. And, as to probably be expected – I did fall off the wagon, once.

What I’m finding is this is much bigger than making a statement such as “I will never drink again” or “I want to quit.” It’s deeper than that. So much has to be taken into account. There is the factor of how much of a habit it became in my life – and we all know how extremely hard it is to break a habit. I could also throw in the pre disposition or genetic thing, but – I won’t. That is a cop-out.

Day to day life is the tipping point. I felt strong and determined at the beginning of the week. Who wouldn’t? Making a huge decision like that fills you with a surge of purpose and motivation. But, then real life sets in. Work gets stressful. Low self-esteem eats at you. You don’t have the tools to cope like you thought you did. And, mostly, I found myself wandering around my house, saying to myself “What do I do?” I have plenty of hobbies but when something becomes a daily ritual, you kind of forget what you used to do before.

That’s my trigger. I need to find something to fill the void.

I tried to “distract” myself, in a manner of speaking…and it worked a little. One of my best friends come over one evening to visit. We had sparkling cider, ate Panda Express and cracked up over “Muriel’s Wedding.” These are the kinds of people I need in my life – and needed all along. Supportive, there for me and helpful. My mom also took me out one night, to the Flicks in Boise and we saw an amazing movie “We Need to Talk About Kevin.” It’s been so long since I’ve gone out in public, which is really sad. I realized for the past 2 years of my life I have, more or less, been in hiding. I spent the weekend getting things done around the house and yard, and when my little girl came back from her Dad’s, we shopped for summer things and spent time outside. I did a lot of reflecting on Sunday night over the past week’s events and felt like I was getting some strength back. It helps when you have good people and purpose in your life.

The most important thing about this process I need to remember – to be realistic. I can’t just snap my fingers and have it stop and *poof* I’m sober! It takes work and like a diet, or ANY lifestyle change, if you fall off one day, you get back on the horse the next one.

So, not a great progress report but, ultimately – I am proud of myself. I made it further than I (or others probably) thought I would. And, I’m not stopping.

I am starting over because today is another day and another chance.

Happy Monday ♥

These are a few of my most favorite images.

This morning, think about what’s within you and what you can bring to the greater good. Namaste!

Merry Christmas….to me!

I bought myself an early Christmas present…..and I am itching to start using it!

Behold, my very own micro-cassette recorder. This is when I realize how much of a GEEK I really am. And, I am SUCH a high roller. It put me out about $20.

This was the inspiration:

Don’t you see the resemblance? Lol. Ok, so I’m not a detective in Twin Peaks but I do have a brain like a bullet train sometimes, especially while I’m driving and trying to write down my thoughts/ideas while driving; it’s not very practical. Or safe.

Hoping this will be the catalyst to finally get some words down onto paper!

Questions…the visual kind.

These are simply amazing. I wish I could answer these the way they deserve to be answered. I encourage you all to just think about these…they are eye-opening and that’s what many of us need.

Ten Rules for Being Human

by Cherie Carter-Scott

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it’s yours to keep for the entire period.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, “life.”
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately “work.”
4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There’s no part of life that doesn’t contain its lessons. If you’re alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.
6. “There” is no better a place than “here.” When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply obtain another “there” that will again look better than “here.”
7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life’s questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.

Eat. Clean.

I know what you’re thinking.

Here comes the “holiday time I’m gonna diet or die” blog post. Yeah, I guess it sort of is. But, it’s been coming for months now. I just finally have had enough. Haven’t you?

I used to be a size 5/6. And, surprisingly, this was AFTER baby. I am now bouncing between a 10 and 12 and I am MISERABLE. It’s not about the size or number on the scale. It’s really about the fact that I feel UNhealthy and lackluster about life. I have zero energy. I pay no attention whatsoever to what I put into my body. I am lazy…and it shows. I miss feeling alive. Pretty sure lots of you feel the same….

I stumbled across an incredibly inspiring blog a few nights ago and my lord, it made me want to jump out of my chair, throw away all the processed crap in my fridge and cupboards and sprint off down the street.

Instead, I devised a new grocery list, and a new BELIEF in myself and my health.

For the first time in a long time, I feel excited.

Some like to put down “thinspo” or the numerous health/diet/skinny blogs on the internet…but, they are really the only motivation that seems to work for me (and, many others).

The site and way of thinking I now follow are part of the “Eat Clean” Diet. Not a diet. Just a simple way of eating, without all the fillers, chemicals and processed crap we are so used to.

Here’s to a new way of thinking. Our bodies are so important. Mistreating them has become a way of life for millions and I don’t want to be part of that club anymore.